Seer-ree-us

Isn't that so freaking cute? It's a character from Wonderpets, a show my lil diva watches.

It's also fitting because I'm about to get a little serious on ya. Which if you've known me for a long time, you know even in the depths of despair I can't stay serious, I'm certifiably silly from head to toe.  But I am going to do a serious what is on my mind post...because when it comes to my daughter I am 100% serious. She's my life, my heart and my reason for everything I do. So is it so wrong that I want her father to feel the same... but it just isn't there. I am particularly bothered by this the past few days. Not to put Mimi's business out there but she had a UTI a couple weeks ago, and I anguished over it because my baby was sick. But the ex...nothing phases him about it. She got sick again 2 days ago, I naturally call because of it to tell him...No answer, no return calls. When I do text the next day and tell him... I expected calls to check up on her..something anything. Nada. It just disappoints me. And it makes me so mad! So mad sometimes I just want to punch him where the sun doesn't shine! Anyone willing to offer to do that? Besides M's godmother (you need to keep your job missy, no!)? Sigh, honestly I just feel like I make such an effort and I don't know what else to do... Anyway to be "fair" I'll give his side:  he blames the long distance. Ok.

And I considered the residency options that would put us in proximity so she could have a dad. That's why I went to AL and considered it highly until he decide to move...and I options both in his new location and the choice that makes me most happy would be a 3 hour drive! And then maybe I could have more help than my mom! But the more I think about it, I wonder if it is going to make a difference. I don't think it will. And why am I the one doing everything, making all the effort?! As much as he thinks he wants to be a dad, he doesn't have it in him. Or maybe not with us. Probably just not with us. And that's uber sad...and so not sexy. No really, not sexy at all.  (Yeah I kind of lost my serious vibe...but it lasted a good moment there huh?) I think sexiest thing is a guy who is a dad (closely followed by a guy in uniform...army, marines even navy...yum). Really nothing is sexier than a guy who really takes care of his kids. The last guy I just dated had dependability issues and I was like "Eh that means you probably can't be a good dad" and in one instant he lost all attractiveness to me. One of Mimi's playmates dad is a single dad and even though he is twice my age, there are times when I totally think inappropriate thoughts as we watch the kids play and talk about life. In fact I am pretty obvious about this fact to the point that one guy MADE UP a FAKE kid in an attempt to get me interested. Not. Kidding. He went shopping for the"kid" at toys r us with me, would send me pictures of this "kid" (later found out it's his friends kid...), created sob "baby mama" stories (I hate baby mama stories...why can't exes be friends...so that really didn't help him), created a fake life but in the end the scary mentally unstable truth came out...

Whoever made this Ecard...probably knows me :)

And fyi just because a guy is dad, he has to be a good dad to be a) sexy and b) nope doesn't mean I'll date him. Sigh, I am picky. Which is fine because the only thing I want in the whole wide world is my
Mimi.

Being a parent, now that is what makes life worth living.

Grab a glass of wine and here's the past 4 months

Ok 4 months worth to update...have your glass of wine ready?! I'm drinking a Guinness so let's sit down and relax together. Ok Google Speech is ready.

September. When you last saw me I had just finished my vascular surgery acting internship in August. After that I spent a month in the surgical intensive care unit in Vermont. I loved it. I made friends with some more great residents here in Vermont. And the ICU nurses and I meshed like crazy...to the point I spent a night (or two...) on the dance floor getting down with a couple of them. Needless to say I had a great time in the ICU. Oh and the patient care aspect was great too. In fact, the chief resident on another team had me scrub in on cases to cover their shortage when she was gone (ahhhh!) and I got to do an open appendectomy by myself form start to finish!!! AHHHH! Seriously the best moment of my life (well you know not counting Mimi's birth and all... of my career life...oh don't judge). Then it ended. On my last day in the ICU, I was very sad because it was my last surgery rotation in Vermont. I really immediately missed this place and couldn't believe I was leaving. And my gut wrenched thinking, I may be leaving this surgical environment period. I was sad.

October. But c'est la vie. I left and headed to Baltimore. Ooo the mid-atlantic! It's feels more like my home than Florida. I went there for trauma surgery because Baltimore, Maryland has a nickname: Bodymore, Murderland. And let me tell you it was SO AWESOME! I had an amazing time at the Shock Trauma Center at the University of Maryland. By the end of my first week there, I was in love!!! And please don't think with a guy because ugh puh-leeeze, is there really a boy man enough out there to handle me? Exactly. I was in love with TRAUMA Surgery guys!!! So surgeons are "my people" and it's the only thing I am good at and I didn't think it got any closer than that but surgery is a big field and so micro aspects of personalities find each other in sub specialty. Boy oh boy the trauma team was ME! And I was in the BEST trauma center in the world (yup, I thought in the nation but I found out it's number 1 internationally...best thing is I found out by accident while reading a wall...the people there were not gloating or pretentious at all!!!Ugh love that) but I don't think it has anything to do with that. Trauma surgery makes sense for Mimi too, trauma surgeons work shift schedules and ICU weeks thus you can have a life in surgery! Of course surgical oncology (what I had been thinking for like ever) is a lifestyle friendly field so in way my interests feeds my love for family life. But after meeting more and more surgical oncologists, I seriously wonder if I am..well...geeky enough for them. My filter fails work well in trauma settings and all the trauma surgeons and fellows were "say it as you see it" people. It was like finding a hospital full of my soulmates. Anyway my October was crazy with every 3rd day being 28 hour shifts (well usually 32 hours in my case...36 hours one day ...by choice! yeah yeah call me crazy.)  I found some time for fun there surprisingly too though I truly didn't get to see most of the people I wanted to! I made a new friend in my neighbor and lived in like the best neighborhood, Mount Vernon. Which I was told was like the artsy area...which was code for a Hipster's paradise (cue in Coolio's song Gangsta's Paradise..replace gangsta with hipster...and voila! That was the song in my head every morning ).

November.Once I ended my awesome 4 weeks in trauma surgery, I started my long November road trip for the INTERVIEW season. I have done 12 interviews and my final exam of medical school the USMLE STEP 2 clinical skills exam (in Philly..not LA like I originally wanted) from November -December. I was going to do 20 interviews and now I can't even think of doing another one. They are exhausting and too long! Every interview is basically a 2 day process because there is a "get to know the resident etc" event the night before and every interview has been about a 6:30am-2pm event. It is not even the long day of multiple interviews, saying the same thing over and over again and trying to "sell" yourself that gets to me. I used to manage couture clothing boutiques..if I can convince the average woman to buy a $1000 shirt, I can convince a program to want me(..I hope!). But what is exhausting is the night before. You have to be "on" for these people when you don't even know if you like their program yet but yet have to socialize and put on a show to these residents. Sorry but I hate social events with a bunch of people I don't know, and I hate being fake. I don't like be the center of attention and let's face in a group of applicants, ALL applicants are the center of attention. Turns out I can do that maybe 5 times and even all the alcohol hasn't helped me continue the fakeness for the rest. It is even worse when you can immediately tell you don't like mesh with residents or in some cases know you can't live in the area. Ugh, keeping face is exhausting. I wish I could find a fake reality star that resembles me to go to these pre-interview dinners and act like me for me...but let's honest, those girls can't act.

December. So now I have been home in Vermont for all of December and I have canceled most January interviews. I did programs I thought I would like early on and I just can't do the fakeness anymore. So I won't. Besides I know my top choice(s). So it feels like a waste of effort and money. Instead I have been hanging around this

lots of ice and snow! I have been taking a lot of pictures! It has been beautiful. And I have been loving it. I went out in "feels like NEGATIVE 36 degrees" the other night and didn't screech!!! I have even gotten myself to the hospital for the past two weeks to work on my research. Like my friend Gabe said the other day "[I]Adapted well to the Northern way of doing things, only took her four years" He's an ass, it's the truth and I lurve him for it...reminds me of a certain sassy girl who is currently now out of Guinness.

2014. Not ready for you.

Wow. 2014 is here. It is here?! I know I have been sucking majorly at blogging. Thing is I have developed a hatred for writing. I can't even write an abstract on MY OWN research. But I recently discovered that google speech to text gets me and that I seriously speak fast. So I'm kick starting my blog up..again...again. I don't know how many times I have restarted. Sorry! Hang in there with me guys.

But really 2014?! It is crazy to think that this is the year that I will graduate medical school...that I will start residency...that I will be an actual doctor. Well let's face it I am not going to be a doctor, I'm going to be the floor bitch surgeon in training (ie I will be responsible for running the floor, not in the OR and basically be the...bitch. It's really the best word for it.) At my rotation in Maryland, one of the Nurse practicioners called the floor doctor(and me) the Flo Ho and I loved it. But it'll be Dr.Flo Ho.

I am not ready for that reality just yet so instead I am just going to catch you guys up on the end of 2013 in my next post which will be written right after this, so quick because of Google speech to text! Woot! I'm sure every blogger has done a "Best moments of 2013" or a "Resolutions for 2014" post. But I am so not. So here you go instead:

You're welcome.